Five Guys Burgers and Fries: The Jump-Off or Leap-On?

As we traveled from the Books on Tape Light Show, myself, Alberto Yong, and Ryan were sitting in Ryan's car, talking about girls, the dib system, and anything but our hunger. We all have a dislike of confrontation, and no one wanted to be the one to bring up the phrase "So where are we eating?" Naturally, I chose to, which sparked our tradition of spending endless moments debating, with at least one person audibly sighing in disgust. Unlike Gainesville, where we'd just give up and go to Tijuana Flats so that no one would be happy, we continued to argue. Eventually we decided on Power Pizza, and were headed there...til Alberto, one of the biggest proponents of decision making, brought up Five Guys Burgers and Fries. We'd all heard of the place, but Ryan and I had not been there, and Alberto raved about their fry distribution system (more on that later.) Deciding I'd had enough pizza to bleed marinara and shit sausage, I turned the conversation towards Five Guys...and we went.

Unassuming is the best way to describe Five Guys; simple layout, simple menu, simple service. You walk in and there's just a bunch of wooden tables with chairs. You look up and the menu only offers hamburgers, hot dogs, and fries...and permutations therein. If you want salad or a chicken, well take that shit down the road, you fucking asshole*. You'll get red meat, and you'll like it. Feeling like my salted meat intake was more than sufficient, I ordered a simple cheeseburger. Alberto, conveniently leaving his wallet so he wouldn't pay(jk Al <333333,) ordered a bacon cheeseburger, and Ryan ordered something with mushrooms on it, because he thought we were still eating pizza, and he loves that. Albert recommends "try the cajun fries, guys! Seriously! They're delicious and the same price!" I decided to opt out, because Cajun has gone very wrong for me in the past, and Alberto decided to be bold. We order, and I inquire as to what's the lowest I can get a burger cooked, as if I'm in a place that gives a shit. The cashier politely informs me that they cook all their burgers well done, and as he steps aside, I see the big glaring sign, advertising that all burgers are cooked well done. How he didn't tell me to eat a dick, I'll never know. We pay for our food and slide it down to the soda fountain on the side, and watch the staff prepare our meals. That's when it happened.

The fries at Five Guys are served thus-wise; they take a big scoop, pour it into a styrofoam cup, and slab it in your brown paper bag. No trays in this joint. Oh, and then it happens again. Except, you don't get styrofoam. They scoop an extra scoop right into the bag. As a fan of "bagglers," I get a little excited at the prospect of what can only be described as "second meal." At the table we had a lengthy discussion about what a great idea this is, and Five Guys Brothers and Fries has set the bar that every burger joint probably won't live up to, or know they're being weighted against. We pour our drinks and then we sit to eat when we all get out burgers.

Wow. Absolutely delicious. Essentially you get two patties, a shitload of toppings, whatever sauces you want (I chose mustard, barbecue, A1, and some ketchup. Trust me.) It's wrapped in tinfoil to keep the heat in, and man is it delicious. Real tin foil, too. The burgers were huge and satisfactory, and while we sat and continued to talk about girlz, dawg, we ate merrily. The fries were delicious; mine were consumed with ketchup. I exchanged fries with Albert, and tried the cajun fries. Ehh...I'd avoid. Regular fries are delicious, because they're fried in peanut oil, as is everything in the restaurant, so be advised. The Cajun fries were the same...but essentially instead of salt they put some spices on top. Not very flavorful at all.

We finished our food, and felt rather sated, and we stayed in and took in the atmosphere. There were a lot of pretty girls in this joint; based on one somewhat biased example, hot girls really, really like hole in the wall burger joints. Five Guys is apparently a franchise, as I discovered by the posts on the wall and the slogans emblazoned on the cups, detailing the many "best burger" reviews the place had garnered.

To sum it up, I'm gonna eat shit and pretend I have an actual system in place, so here goes:

Atmosphere: 10
It's really nice and peaceful, and no one will bother you. Overstimulation is a crime, and chain restaurants are the perpetrators. Also, holy shit were there some cute girls. Everybody likes to eat around cute girls. One of the workers who walked in even kept checking us out, and was overly nice when Alberto asked for an extra condiment that was mayonnaise. Why he requested it, I don't understand, as mayo has no place near fries.

Food:
Burger: 9
It was absolutely delicious in every way, but it can't be perfect because I really, really like my burgers medium rare. The A1 and the barbecue sauce combine well with the mustard. If you like tanginess, then boom.

Fries: 7
Pretty good, had that peanuty taste, like if you've ever had Chick Fil-A waffle fries...which I'm not the biggest fan of. Cajun style might be your bag, but I'd recommend your meal with the regular.

In summation, if you like somewhat fast food that's worth the wait, and don't mind a somewhat limited menu, by all means try Five Guys Burgers and Fries. Also, if you like hot girls.**

Final rating, on a scale of Leap-On to Jump-Off: Fishscale.

Til next time, fuck you***.
-Rafael Gaytown

*What I assume they'd say if I asked for chicken or a salad.
** Hot girl in the black frame glasses and the striped dress,
Hi, I would have said something, but I have no way to approach you. Since I'm relatively certain you'll never read this, or care if you did, then I feel confident in saying I think you're beautiful and I'd love to take you out sometime. It doesn't have to be Five Guys, either.
***You know I'm just playin.' I love you all.

This post is Fishscale Approved: